Exaggerating Life Since Forever’s Guide to Socialising – Part II

Socialising need not be a nervous experience.

In the Public Eye — What You Can and Can’t do in Public

So, you have struck up a conversation with somebody you have just met. You have the key points from Exaggerating Life Since Forever’s Guide to Socialising — Part I scribbled on your palm, so you can quickly glance at it to ensure the next thing you say isn’t horrendously offensive. But what about your actions? How do you act socially acceptable in front of this latest acquaintance? This is where Exaggerating Life Since Forever‘s Guide to Socialising — Part II enters the social arena.

Exaggerating Life Since Forever have teamed up with some the leading experts of social actions, with representatives from The Global Institute of Public Individual Movements (GIPIM) providing expert analysis.

Initial Movement

Robin Hammersmith, Director of Social Affairs for GIPIM says, “When you overcome the first hurdle of holding a conversation that isn’t on subjects such as murder and physical discrepancies of the person you are talking to, it is essential not to make any initial movements that may alert the other party of any social unmentionables. GIPIM always recommends maintaining eye contact — but not to the point where you are starring deep and menacingly into the depths of the other party’s soul — and keeping your arms still by your side. It is also extremely important to stand in the same spot, avoiding jumping, squatting and kicking.”

Although it can be necessary to make sudden movements (for instance, your leg becomes incredibly itchy, you need to bat a dog out of the way) it is a general rule-of-thumb to keep sudden movements to a minimum. “Although it may appear perfectly normal to you to re-enact a tennis swing whilst waiting for the bus, some people may find this very distressing, and become alarmed at your abrupt actions. In the case of this incident, try imagining this tennis swing in your mind. But, more importantly, try to keep sudden movements out of the public eye”, states Mr. Hammersmith.

Mr. Hammersmith mentions some extremely important points that seem simple when read, but are often forgotten about when interacting socially. “One point I always make when talking to people who need help conducting themselves in everyday situations is always use a toilet. In many cultures, it is considered socially unacceptable to just do your business, be it a wee or a poo, outside of a designated water closet, or toilet. If you need the loo, do not just whip it out whilst continuing your conversation about the weather or how rubbish women are at most things.”

Mr. Hammersmith continued, “trial and error. It is important to trial different ways of interacting to gauge what is acceptable and what is not. When you discover an action that results in negative feedback, you know you can cross this of the list. For instance, when you meet on old friend, you may give them a little punch on the arm to hide your true feelings for them and imply you have a high level of testosterone. However, doing this to a stranger doesn’t always get the ‘aah, your such a cheeky-chappy!’ response, often resulting in negative feedback. You then know punching a stranger can be crossed off the list. So, it is all about trialling different ways of interaction. After a while, you build up a list of things you can and can’t do, and so social interaction becomes that little bit easier.”

Conclusion

So, with help from GIPIM, below is a checklist of things you should and shouldn’t do whilst in public.

Exaggerating Life Since Forever’s Guide to Socialising — Part II — In the Public Eye — Things You Can and Can’t do in Public

• Do maintain eye contact if engaged in conversation
• Do keep your arms still by your side
• Do stand as still as possible (but maintain “casual” movements, such as itching, blinking, minor head movements)
• Do use a toilet before venturing outside
• Do trial and error acceptable behaviour
• Do not stare menacingly at people
• Do not make sudden movements
• Do not squat
• Do not punch strangers
• Do not joke to security staff about improvised explosive devices, even if the joke is really funny.

Also in the Exaggerating Life Since Forever’s Guide To Socialising:

• Part I — Speaking — Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone You Have Just Met
• Part III — Eating — Foodstuffs to Avoid When with Company
• Part IV — Actions Speak Louder than Words — Averting Physical Violence and Associated Movements
• Part V — Animal Love — How to Successfully Socialise with Your/A Borrowed Pet
• Part VI — Hand Shake or Kiss? — Socialising for the Twenty—first Century Businessman
• Part VII — “F**K OFF!!” — Dealing with an Idiot
• Part VIII — Close Encounters — Travelling on Public Transport
• Part IX — Can You Hear Me? — Appropriate Times to Shout
• Part X — “Shut Your Cake Hole You Inferior Piece of S**t” — Managing Others Emotions

The Problem with News

The news needs to change. I am fed up with it.

I was emailing a friend the other day, when he told me about an incident where his trousers fell down at a children’s party (I had questioned why he was unsupervised at a children’s party, particularly when wearing ill-fitting clothing that could potentially reveal the anatomy that young children should certainly not see, but he refused to comment). He also informed me that he had met the Lord Mayor of Leicester recently. Liek every normal person about to meet a celebrity such as the Lord Mayor of Leicester, he did some background research on him. After a quick Google search, he noted that he was also victim to a rather more public “trouser down” incident.

Out of curiosity, I did my own research (typed “Mayor of Leicester’s trousers fall down” in to Google), and sure enough, this did in fact happen (and it wasn’t merely a hoax set up by my friend, who I am now questioning socially).

The story was publicised on the BBC website, and a snippet can be seen below:

Lord Mayor of Leicester apologises for trouser drop 

Leicester’s lord mayor has apologised after his trousers fell down during an educational event for schoolchildren.

Leicester’s lord mayor has apologised after his trousers fell down during an educational event for schoolchildren.

Councillor Colin Hall was at Southfields library in the city to take part in a Global Education function.

When he stood to give a vote of thanks at Tuesday’s event his trousers came loose and fell.

Everything about this story is incredible; the fact he has the title of “Lord”, it was at an education event (so he couldn’t even blame it on sporting activities which loosened the fit) and it was in front of children. And then the associated picture. He just looks like someone whose trousers have fallen down at the wrong time. I can’t believe I missed this news story when it was originally published, back in June 2010. I am over a year late.

Another story I stumbled across recently was the story of a man with ridiculous feet. He had one foot a size 13, whilst his other foot was 14.5. This made purchasing shoes from the high-street problematic. So, when he desperately needed a pair of furry slippers with imitation claws, he found a website for a company who custom make slippers, to any size. One size 13 and one size 14.5 were ordered. A few weeks later, here is what was delivered:

The company he ordered this from made a slight error with the sizing, making one size 13, and one size 1450, resulting in a 7ft slipper, that also doubled up as a lounger. It is the picture that makes this story so good. He looks so happy! Wouldn’t you be? Sitting in your slipper? I also like the way the ordinary size (well, as ordinary size 13 can be) is sitting there. Just to magnify the mistake.

These two stories got me thinking. This is what news should be. I (and, therefore, everyone else) am not interested if a dictator of a country ravished by tyranny is felled. Or, that the world is warming at such an alarming rate that millions of people in low level locations could be wiped out. Or, that the Declaration of Independence was actually incorrect and America was formed illegitimately. I want to read about; a skateboarding goat, the creation of the perfect sandwich, a lord’s trousers falling down in front of children.

The BBC need to get their act together. Because of them and their blatant favouritism of certain news stories, ahead of more pressing information, it has taken me over a year to find out an MP whom I never previously knew about gave a speech with his trousers round his ankles. Plus, I couldn’t even find the story of the extra large slipper on the BBC website! It’s a disgrace. What exactly is my licensing fee being spent on?!

Why Can’t People Walk Normally?

Mr Slow - One of the founders of The Lethargic

Why can’t people walk proper, like me? Why do some people have to walk like an idiot? What is it that makes someone walk so stupid? This is something I have often wondered.

On my journey to work, I always see a man also on his commute. But there is something different about this man. Something that makes him stand out. It is his walking (I say “walking”, it is that grey area between a brisk stroll and a jog. Like when you are on a treadmill as the speed is increasing from a walk to a light run, and you aren’t too sure what speed to start running and you do that sort of slow motion jog, as walking would result in you falling off the back, and running would result in falling off the front). He looks like a maniac! Each stride is about 10 metres, he is leaning so far forward his nose is just scraping the ground, and one arm swings very violently. It is almost as if every morning he checks his watch and thinks, “DAMN, I’m late again. I better walk quicker”. His time keeping surely can’t be that bad, so I have put it down to a poor walking technique.

Since noticing this man, I have been paying particular attention to how people walk and have come up with the following styles:

The Bouncer

Potentially the most annoying of them all. It can be categorised by someone who sort of bounces on the balls of their feet, so their heel never actually makes contact with the ground. The annoyance is increased with the addition of “bouncy” hair, where at the peak of the bounce, the hair appears to float above the individuals head.

The Floater

This is where the individual doesn’t move their arms when walking, as if to create the illusion they are floating, or gliding across the ground. The favoured style of people who wear ankle length leather jackets and dark sunglasses, and people who class their top 3 ultimate films as The Matrix, Under Siege and Kung Fu Cult Master.

The Lethargic

Someone who walks so slowly, it makes you wonder whether this may be in fact the first time they have walked. This is particularly annoying when you need the loo.

The Reader

Someone who reads (yes, reads) whilst walking. I am all for being more efficient, but reading and walking are two things that should never be combined. It is a bit like combining archery with a visit to the library. Either way, it won’t end well.

The Leaner

This is where the individual leans excessively either forward, backwards or to the side. Not to sure why this is annoying, but it is.

The Pendulum

This is where someone swings there arms at a completely unnecessary level. This becomes considerably dangerous when the individual is holding a bag.

A New Style of Walk?

After a considerable amount of time thinking about these styles, I wondered how they come about. At first, I assumed The Bouncer technique was adopted by small people as a means of increasing their height. But I then saw a tall person walking similar, with the back of their shoes looking seemingly unworn, whilst the front looked like they had taken part in a marathon, every day, since 1972.

As for The Floater, this is obviously adopted by people who like David Blaine a bit too much, and therefore attempt to levitate everywhere.

As for the remainder of these styles, I am still none the wiser. How can someone think walking at a speed one level up from standing still is an efficient means of travel? How do you decide walking and reading is a good idea? Surely someone who leans excessively constantly feels as if they are about to fall over? Doesn’t someone using The Pendulum technique recognise the destruction they have caused by their flailing limbs?

With the ability to get social suggestions to be discussed in the House of Commons, I think I may initiate a petition to suggest a scheme to get Englandwalking properly. 100,000 people will definitely sign it.

You Can Only Call Yourself A Man Once You Have Mastered the Urinal

I'm never going to be a real man...

I have a problem.

I am a man (this isn’t the problem, although I am sure my girlfriend would beg to differ). I consider myself to be a typical man. I like football, shouting, driving like an idiot, leaving my pants in the bathroom, not finishing DIY projects, BBQ’s and power tools. However, there is one thing. One small thing that I can not do that prevents me from officially lauding myself as a “man”.

I can’t use urinals.

It is Football stadiums that prove to be the biggest burden when it comes to emptying my bladder. Many times, I have sat through the first half of a game of football, sweating uncontrollably with the fear of weeing myself, in public, in front of thousands of other “real men”, who shout abuse whilst holding a beer.

It would be sacrilegious to get up in the middle of a game to use the facilities, so it is imperative to wait until half-time. Unfortunately, 95% of the crowd have the same idea. So, when the half-time whistle goes, thousands of people begin the migration to the water closet.

Figure 1 - Computer Aided Design (CAD) illustrating issues of communal urinals

I hate it. Standing shoulder to shoulder with someone I don’t know, desperately trying to unload my bladder. Virtually every time, I stand there, with nothing coming out, doing all I can to pretend I am the only one in the toilet. But it’s impossible! How are you supposed to block someone out when the steam of their alcohol laced urine is burning your nostrils and their elbows constantly jab you in your ribs? After an extended period of time, at the point where I have stood there for too long and people start suspecting I am mental, I pretend to “shake dry”, and leave. I then spend the second half thinking about the Niagara Falls and the fluid production line at Armitage Shanks, wishing that one day I would be successful at using a urinal.

Now, when I need the loo at football, I have to queue up with all the nutjobs who go for a poo (yes that’s right, a poo at football!). I make sure I am as quick as possible so people think, “Oh, he isn’t mental. He obviously just went for a wee, in private. That is perfectly acceptable for real men.” I am pretty sure this is exactly what people think.

I had an awful moment last week at work. I have recently started a new job, so am still in that stage of uncomfortable conversation where you only talk about the weather and how much you enjoy the new “challenge”.

It was my lunch break and I needed to go out to buy some food (the bread was mouldy so I couldn’t make a sandwich). I was busting for a wee, so I decided I would make a trip to the gents before my voyage to Asda.

I opened the door to the gents to see an empty toilet. Both urinals were unoccupied and the cubicals empty. Perfect. I stepped up to the urinal, knowing this was risky. Then, the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. Someone else came in to use the urinal.

Desperately trying to wee, he started questioning the weather and asking me if I was enjoying the challenge. It was awful. Nothing was happening, yet I needed the loo so badly. Because he had entered the toilet after me, it meant I had to leave before him. So, I do a faux shake, zipped up and left, needing the loo more than ever. I was too embarrassed in myself to use another toilet or wait for a while and go back in.
Needless to say, I almost created a slip hazard in Asda. It seriously was close.

I vowed, from that day onwards to never use a urinal at work, regardless of whether the chances of interruption were zero.

Some people can’t provide the lethal injection to an animal in pain. Others can’t investigate a blood soaked, horrific murder scene. I…I can’t use a urinal.

The Most Amazing Wildlife Footage

The "insects" real name

Whilst at university, I resided in the world famous Elvyn Richards, situated just behind the striking, tasteful monument known as the Pilkington Library (if for some reason you have never seen or heard of the Pilkington Library, Google it. It has recently applied for the right to be officially classed as the 8th Wonder of the World). Elvyn Richards (the university halls of residence, not the person) are renowned for a number of reasons, but in particular for its extensive research and cultivation of carnivorous plants, namely the Dionaea muscipula AKA Venus Fly Trap.

Whilst tending to one of the allotments, I – along with a number of colleagues – witnessed an extraordinary battle of plant versus beast, ALL caught on film.  I was working near a particularly large and magnificent example of a Venus Fly Trap when I noticed something moving. It was huge. I couldn’t work out exactly what this creature was but it was very large sort of insect. I shouted out to the rest of my colleagues to come over and witness the impending battle.

The “insect” began wandering closer to the plant, unaware of its true power and ability to crush even the strongest of materials. We made sure we didn’t interfere with this wonderful example of nature. We kept quite, and observed the events as every keen naturalist would do.

Slowly, the “insect” made its way to the giant, ominous claw like leaves that would inevitably clamp shut around its helpless body. It then stepped onto the leaf. The anxiety amongst my fellow colleagues and I was tremendous. We were all very aware of the impending set of events that would unfortunately end the life of this poor “insect”.

The “insect” moved closer, placing a foot onto one of the leaves. It just needed to move a pace forward, into the leaf to stimulate a “trigger hair” which will spark the plant into life. And then, in the blink of an eye, the Venus Fly Trap struck, closing its menacing leaves around the “insect”, sucking all the life out of it. In amazement, my colleagues and I let out a small cheer of delight, and shook each others hands, for we had seen something more remarkable than lift itself.  The “insect” briefly attempted to fight it’s way out of the plant, but eventually succumbed to the overarching power and gave up. Although sad, it was a tremendous sight.

Now you have read the detailed accounts of that wonderful day, watch the video below to immerse yourself in the fantastic atmosphere. (N.B. Sound is essential)